I don’t know if I will ever be ready or able to publicly share how or why my first marriage ended. One thing I can say is that it was a long process that took years to come to fruition. No one wants to get a divorce “God hates divorce”, but God loves you and he wants to see you happy and healthy.
It was hard to leave everything that I felt like I had worked so hard for behind, but in so many ways - it was life giving.
I still remember quiet nights in that tiny single wide trailer with fondness. I remember relearning how to care for myself. I had gotten so lost in my motherhood and marriage and divorce that I had to relearn who I was again. I remember peaceful dinners with my two small children. I remember taking a stand and claiming the space as my own. I remember finding time to read my bible every day and digging deep and leaning on the Lord.
I also remember feeling lonely. And alone. Because they are two completely different things. I remember being scared about making rent and the anxiety I felt when I had to be away from my children. I remember being devastated and then at peace with being on my own forever. My grandmother was a single mom of two kids who swore off men and I was okay with that for myself too. I remember coming to terms with never having another baby. I was attending a birth actually, as a doula, and the one birthing was so well loved and supported by her partner and it was so beautiful. And I thought, “I’ll never have that, I’ll never even have a chance at that again.” I excused myself and had a cry in the bathroom and allowed my grief to take over. I mourned the loss of babies that never were and I moved on more at peace than I had felt in a long time.
I was really excited about starting doula work though I knew that the income and schedule was often inconsistent. I was still tutoring a couple of students but knew that to make ends meet as a single mom I would need to teach some kids full time. I reached out to a friend that showed interest in the past and she was super excited, her daughter was exactly one year older than mine. So one day my friend’s daughter, my friend, her fiance, and her daughter’s father came to my place to see how schooling would go. The little girl’s dad- Matthew- made us some gluten free bread, and the rest is history. Sometimes he likes to tell people I’m only in it for the bread but we both know it’s so much more than that.
Then came the slow and steady process of blending our families.
I am a student midwife and doula serving families in the North Country, and living life with five littles.