No one can deny that mothering is difficult. Just the same that no one can deny that mothering is absolutely beautiful. There are so many moments of pure joy and utter despair all mixed into one day.
In so many ways it's indescribable, but it's all love.
So friends family fellow moms I have a startling confession: I don't love being a mom 100% of the time. Actually, sometimes, I'm totally faking it.
I'm sorry, but I just cannot roll a ball back and forth 300 times and keep a genuine smile on my face.
And although all the books tell me not to make a big deal out of spilled milk because it's just spilled milk I usually kind of freak out.
I throw a majority of my toddler’s scribbles in the garbage, and I haven’t even started a baby book for my poor second child, honestly, I could not care less.
Basically I'm a terrible mom.
Remember in my previous post I talked about finding your strong? Well finding your strong is also about knowing your weakness.
One of my weaknesses is participating in physical play with my children. I don’t love it. But I make it a point to roll that ball 300 times and I put a smile on my face because my little guy absolutely loves rolling balls. My little guy also knows that mommy doesn't like to roll balls so he mostly asks Daddy to play those games and asks Mommy to read books because Mommy loves reading books.
When someone spills the milk I don't react at all, actually I just leave the room to react because I know I can't stop my negative reaction so I try to hide it, because who wants their kids in therapy over mom screaming at them for things that are unimportant like spilled milk (unless its breast milk then scream away!). Then after I've calmed down in the other room I come back and we clean the mess up all together. And no that's not child slavery, its genius.
When my toddler shows me that scribble with enthusiasm I fake it I put a big cheesy grin on my face and I tell her that it's absolutely beautiful. I hang it on the refrigerator just long enough to show her I care and when I throw it in the garbage I am careful to bury it under last nights dinner so her feelings are spared.
Ladies and gentlemen I don't know if I'm doing this right and actually If we're honest I'm pretty sure I'm doing it all wrong but I think that faking It sometimes is part of motherhood.
But you know in the end it's totally cool because my little guy is going to remember me reading him the coolest books, they're going to remember that we clean up messes that we make, my little girl is going to remember how excited mommy was to see her beautiful pictures. In the end I am so happy to have these memories with my children, even if I had to force myself to do it in the moment.
So please be honest with yourself it's okay if you're not perfect you're not supposed to be, you're not supposed to love every second of motherhood, don't be afraid to own that and to find ways around the parts of motherhood that you find challenging. Know that it's highly likely that you are not alone that there are other mothers going through the same thing that you're going through! Reach out and cut yourself some slack, none of us are perfect.
All of us are in this thing together.
I am a student midwife and doula serving families in the North Country, and living life with five littles.